If I were a rich man, Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum



verso rossoWhen we realized we had won — actually won — the $1.6 billion Powerball Lottery, we acted swiftly on a priorities list we’d been refining for decades:

Even before we came forward to claim our winnings, we sent a clever email to the Human Resources Department at The Ellsworth American.

Then we hired a manservant to lay out a matching pair of our socks each morning. We also engaged a barista to come around each dawn to roast and then grind coffee beans and start a pot.

We outsourced our Christmas gift shopping and wrapping and card mailing (including buying the cards, signing them, addressing the envelopes and stamping).

In short order we hired a mechanic to start our car each morning and turn the heat all the way up, and a laundress to clean the lint trap in the dryer after each use.

We pulled out the MasterCard and ordered a $6,500 AcuTouch 9500x massage chair with premium leather upholstery, intensity controls, dual-lumbar back heat and the patented AcuTouch Detection System that scans your back and maps out key pressure points.

And, because this was a time of celebration, we invested a hefty $12.99 in a bottle of Verso 2013 Rosso Salento. It comes from Italy by way of John Edwards Market.

This is a whopper of a wine: deep and dark, coffee and chocolate, a muscular 14 percent and body like hubba-hubba. It is delicious and lush and now that we are rich we shall lay in cases upon cases.

Having rolled up what would have been, in our old life, a crushing load of debt, we presented ourselves to the Lottery Commission and presented our winning ticket: 08-27-34-04-79 and the Powerball number 10.

The Lottery chairman studied our ticket.

“The last number in the series is supposed to be 19, not 79,” he said.

We took back our ticket and stared at it in anguish.

“Isn’t that a 1? It looks like a 1,” we suggested desperately. “See the little hat thingee on top? That’s how they make 1’s in Europe.”

“It’s a 7,” he replied without remorse.

Actually, he didn’t need remorse. We had enough for both of us. We’ll have to work for the next 25 years to pay off all the obligations we’d taken on.

Oh wait a sec … work! Did we really send that email to the Human Resources Department of The Ellsworth American? The one with the lyrics to Johnny Paycheck’s 1977 hit. Maybe they won’t understand the message. Though “Take this Job and Shove It” isn’t exactly ambiguous.

 

    

Stephen Fay

Stephen Fay

Managing Editor at The Ellsworth American
Stephen Fay, managing editor of The Ellsworth American since 1996, is a third-generation Californian. Starting out as a news reporter in 1974, he has been an editor since 1976, working in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Vermont before settling in Ellsworth with his wife and two daughters. [email protected]
Stephen Fay

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