Those things for which we would kill

The two leading incentives for getting in the best shape of your life are the Olympic trials and your 50th high school reunion.

On our calendar, June 9 has a circle around it. Why? Here’s an important hint: The Olympic trials are not scheduled for that date. It is the date of our marital partner’s 50th high school reunion. And, as night follows day, we have followed our spousal unit into a regimen of diet and exercise.

For one cannot know true domestic harmony if one of you is trimming down and firming up while the other is eating his second Big Mac. Even though our role on the 9th is strictly as arm candy, where she goes, we go.

Where we have gone is back to Whole30, that slightly extreme dietary discipline wherein one forswears, for 30 days, the five major food groups: alcohol, dairy, grains, legumes and sugar.

Today, April 12, is Day 16 (we started on March 28). Over the past two-plus weeks, the two of us have consumed many a fruit, vegetable, egg and potato (the potato is not a grain). Meat, chicken and fish, in moderation, also are OK. As is coffee (no milk or sugar). And yet, we have a longing … a craving that exceeds the bonds of desire. There is a missing element, one for which we would kill. Perhaps you know what it is.

Wine? Nope. Good guess, but no. What we really miss is sugar — of which wine has been a reliable source, lo, these many years. But not just sugar: we wanted a confection of some sort. Like a gigantic slice of a Duncan Hines chocolate cake (which would be so Whole30 non-compliant that we would be risking arrest).

We shared said longing with Older Sis who, being the better person, engages in Whole30 annually. She listened to our sweet tooth symptoms and asked, “Have you tried an RXBAR?”

We pondered the question thoughtfully before asking, “Huh?”

Older Sis said the RXBAR is concocted of eggs whites, almonds, cashews, dates, CHOCOLATE, cocoa and sea salt. She was still talking but we had dropped the phone and darted for the car.

Hannaford sells RXBARs at $2.29 a copy. Not cheap but oh … yum. We loaded up.

All of which is preamble to advising the gentle reader that we are not planning to return to wine once the Whole30 days have elapsed. At least not so much. With the result that we’re phasing out “Cheers,” which has served for the past 10 years as the world’s least reliable, most uninformed source of reviews of cheap wines.

Sooner or late, all columns need to end. The goal is to leave before you’re asked to. We’ll file a couple more in order to say goodbye, but as of May, it’s cheerio, “Cheers.” We might come up with something in its place. We don’t know what. But if we do, it will be unreliable and uninformed.

Depend on it.

Stephen Fay

Stephen Fay

Managing Editor at The Ellsworth American
Stephen Fay, managing editor of The Ellsworth American since 1996, is a third-generation Californian. Starting out as a news reporter in 1974, he has been an editor since 1976, working in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Vermont before settling in Ellsworth with his wife and two daughters. [email protected]
Stephen Fay

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